Listening Over Fixing: The True Art of Friendship

I’m getting better. With a natural tendency to want to be helpful, I can sometimes jump into the fix rather than just listening when a friend, colleague, or loved one confides. In part, I think this derives from my own preference to immediately want to fix my own conundrums at times, rather than talk it through for what I feel sometimes as talking’s sake.

But I appreciate we’re not all wired that way and many of us just want to be heard, be sat with and be given space to offload. I’m getting better.

Listening, Not Fixing

It is said that of the most profound ways we can support our friends is through active listening. But what does this mean, and why is it so crucial?

Active listening involves fully engaging with what your friend is saying, not just hearing the words but understanding the emotions and thoughts behind them. It’s about being present in the moment, showing empathy, and providing a safe space for them to express themselves. Here’s why listening is more valuable than immediately jumping to fix problems:

Why Listening Matters

1. Validation of Feelings: When you listen, you validate your friend’s feelings and experiences. It shows that you respect their perspective and care about what they are going through. According to research from the University of Manchester, 78% of people feel more connected and valued when their friends listen without immediately offering solutions.

2. Building Trust: Consistently being there to listen helps build a foundation of trust. Your friend will feel more comfortable sharing their thoughts and problems, knowing that they won’t be judged or dismissed.

3. Empathy and Connection: Listening fosters empathy. It allows you to step into your friend’s shoes and understand their situation better, which strengthens the emotional bond between you.

Do we really fix as we intended?

While the instinct to fix problems comes from a place of care, it can sometimes be counterproductive:

- Overshadowing Feelings: Offering solutions too quickly can overshadow your friend’s feelings. It can make them feel that their emotions are being dismissed in favor of finding a quick fix.

- Creating Dependency: Constantly solving problems for your friend can create a dependency that prevents them from learning to navigate their own challenges.

- Misalignment: Your idea of a solution might not align with what your friend truly needs or wants, leading to frustration or further issues.

How to Be a Better Listener

Some practical tips I’ve found helpful as I better my listening skills:

1. Be Present: Give your full attention to your buddy. Put away distractions like your phone or TV, and focus on the conversation.

2. Reflect and Paraphrase: Show that you’re fully engaged by reflecting on what they’ve said. Paraphrase their points to demonstrate understanding, e.g., “It sounds like you’re feeling really overwhelmed with your studies right now.”

3. Ask Open-Ended Questions: Encourage your friend to share more by asking open-ended questions, such as “How did that make you feel?” or “What do you think you’ll do next?”

4. Resist the Urge to Solve: Instead of immediately offering solutions, ask if they want advice or just a listening ear. Sometimes, all they need is to vent.

The Power of True Listening

Its been an education but I now appreciate that being a good friend is less about fixing problems and more about offering a compassionate, listening ear. It’s not that I cared any less before about those I would be engaged in conversation with, far from it, my goal was always to make the situation better with the strengths I have. And those strengths in other scenarios are great ones to have. I just need to interrupt the knee-jerk response and just sit, whilst being fully immersed in the space before me.

So like me, maybe it’s time to prioritise listening over fixing. By doing so, I think we can help reduce the loneliness many feel and strengthen the bonds that enrich our lives.