Why Do We Speak to Ourselves in Ways We Would Never Speak to a Friend?

Have you ever caught yourself saying things to yourself that you wouldn’t dream of saying to a friend? I know I have.

Maybe you missed a deadline or made a mistake, and suddenly your inner dialogue is full of harsh criticism. If you’re nodding along, like me, you’re not alone.

In the UK, a significant number of people report experiencing negative self-talk. According to a 2022 survey by the Mental Health Foundation, nearly 60% of UK adults admitted to engaging in self-critical thoughts.

Double Standards

So, why do we hold this double standard? There are several reasons reported as to why we might speak more harshly to ourselves than to others:

1. Perfectionism: Many of us sometimes set unrealistically high standards for ourselves. When we inevitably fall short, the internal critic pounces, convinced that harsh words will somehow spur us to do better next time.

2.Internalised Criticism: Growing up, some people might be surrounded by critical voices – whether from parents, teachers, or peers. Over time, these external criticisms become internalized, turning into a persistent inner critic.

3. Fear of Failure: We can sometimes think that being hard on ourselves will prevent future mistakes. The idea is that if we’re our own toughest critic, we’ll be prepared for any external criticism that might come our way.

4. Cultural and Social Factors: In sone societies, especially those influenced by competitive, achievement-oriented values, there can be a tendency to equate self-worth with success. This can lead to a cycle of negative self-talk whenever we fall short of our own or others’ expectations.

Interrupting Negative Self-Talk

Breaking the cycle of negative self-talk is essential for our mental health and well-being. Here are some strategies that are often spoken of by professionals to help interrupt and transform this unkind inner dialogue:

1. Mindfulness and Awareness: The first step is to become aware of when you’re being self-critical. Mindfulness practices, such as meditation, can sometimes help you observe your thoughts without judgment, making it easier to catch negative self-talk in the act.

2. Challenge Negative Thoughts: Once you’re aware of these thoughts, challenge them. Ask yourself if you would say the same thing to a friend in your situation. Often, the answer is a resounding “no.” Try to reframe your thoughts to be more compassionate and supportive.

3. Practice Self-Compassion: Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend. According to Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher in self-compassion, this practice includes self-kindness, common humanity (recognizing that everyone makes mistakes), and mindfulness.

4. Positive AffiAffirmatns: Maybe replace negative self-talk with positive affirmations. This might feel awkward at first, but over time, it can help to rewire your brain to be more accepting and less critical of yourself.

5. Seek Help: Sometimes, negative self-talk can be deeply ingrained and difficult to overcome on your own. Speaking to a therapist or counsellor can provide you with additional tools and support to help change your inner dialogue.

We would never think of berating a friend for making a mistake or not living up to impossible standards. So why do we think it’s acceptable to do it to ourselves?

By becoming aware of our self-talk and actively working to make it more compassionate, we can begin to treat ourselves with the same kindness and respect that we offer to others. And in doing so, we can not only improve our mental health but also pave the way for a more supportive and understanding relationship with ourselves.